The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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