My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
