I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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