I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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