i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
