I skipped work to stalk him.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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