did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
