I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
