I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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