Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
