I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
