just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
