I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
