I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
