just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
