you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
