Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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