I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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