Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
