My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
