Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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