I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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