nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
