mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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