you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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