Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
