I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
