I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
