I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
