They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
