when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
