God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
