There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
