fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
