Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
