my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
