How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
