I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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