So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
time to smoke my breakfast
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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