Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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