If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
