id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
