so explain again why im purple
no
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
