Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
