allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
