I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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