My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
And then he peed in my hair
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