I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
