Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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