I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
