life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
