God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
